I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize