So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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