My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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