When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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