had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
