Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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