I accidentally had phone sex last night
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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