____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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