some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i already hear my dad disowning me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
