We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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