she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
