even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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