I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
