Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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