Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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