Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
ok first of all what the fuck
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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