so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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