i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
