No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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