saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
