I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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