well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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