remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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