He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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