I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just found a bag of teeth...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
