so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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