Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize