i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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