You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
and you fell through a lawn chair
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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