so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
