I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
