why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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