i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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