Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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