If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
