I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
