i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize