My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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