i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
