I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
