He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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