You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she pinky promised me she was 18
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
