Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
