i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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