She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
