he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
