I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
