Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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