R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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