I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
