I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize