If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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