Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
