im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
