Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
