if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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